textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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