i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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