Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
