I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She swung at the pinata with crutches
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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