Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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