I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
