Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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