Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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