i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need to align my fucking chakras
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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