once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He passed out mid-signature
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
