whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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