I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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