Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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