She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
