I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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