Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
