I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
