I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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