so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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