Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
