Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
