I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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