I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
