I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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