i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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