Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
