I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.