One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex