I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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