Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions