I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
