Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
