The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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