life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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