Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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