guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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