finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
