bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
