Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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