Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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