between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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