If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
