i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
