she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
