I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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