I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
