Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
