soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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