Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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