Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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