We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
