tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
