Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
