you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
