Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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