don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
