Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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