WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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