I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
